The Drama Triangle: Who Are You in Times of Conflict?

Ever wonder what kind of role you play when you handle conflict? Not a lot of people would give this a moment's thought unless directly asked. We tend to handle a range of different conflicts in our lives, from the personal to the professional, as we encounter them. Not being aware of how our mind chooses to solve problems is what drags us and our opponents into an endless dilemma known as the Drama Triangle, simplified as follows: 

What Is the Drama Triangle?

All the way back during the late 1960's, psychologist Stephen Karpman described three basic roles (forming an upside down triangle) that people take on during complex interactions with one another. These roles do not define how people are generally; however, if they are not aware of their actions, they can easily be sucked into a never-ending cycle with no way out. 

Karpman's dreaded drama triangle limits our abilities to lead healthy stress-free lives. Our minds unconsciously feed on self-punishing or self-satisfying roles hurting us first and further on the people around us. Obviously, this can become toxic very quickly. 

What Are the Roles in Karpman's Drama Triangle?

The drama cycle consists of the following roles: 

1. The Victim

Having a victim mindset means you always see every aspect of what is happening in your life as happening to you, and you have no way of changing it. There's always someone or something to blame for everything going on, other than yourself. This way of thinking automatically allows you to act like the victim, while not necessarily being one. 

No matter what is going on in their life, good or bad, a victim will find a way to feel completely oppressed, powerless, and hopeless. All these negative feelings compile and prevent the victim from being able to make any sound decisions. Focusing blame on others is their favorite thing to do, and that's how the cycle begins. The blame always goes towards the persecutor.

2. The Persecutor

Just as the victim blames the persecutor, in response a persecutor will not just take it silently and let it go. A persecutor will aggressively blame the victim for the problem at hand. They act superior and have an authoritative attitude with little to no care at all about the effect they drag in. They are angry and controlling, resorting only to endless threats and bullying, which never solves the real issue at hand. 

A persecutor in the eyes of the victim is not always a person; it can be the situation itself which brings about the same effect and feelings to the victim. In search of help from the persecutor, a victim will reach out to the rescuer. 

3. The Rescuer

We all can probably think of a rescuer type of person in our lives, someone who is always willing to help out and solve everything for everyone all the time. Rescuers tend to put the needs of every single person around them above their own to the point that they could neglect what is best for them completely to help others. 

Rescuers have a mantra of sorts and that is "Let me help you!" They are completely blind to whether or not they are actually able to help, all the while ignoring the fact that they want to feel good about themselves for helping as opposed to actually helping the victim. This complicates the problem even more and the real issue is never solved.

Is Any Role Better than the Other?

The short answer is no. Don't fool yourself into thinking one role in the Drama Triangle is better to embody than another. It can be easy to assume that there is no harm that can come from being a rescuer, for instance. You cannot be more wrong. 

Being a rescuer is like postponing your imminent fall and this I can tell you from personal experience because I used to be one. I would always jump at the opportunity to help everyone and give very little attention to what I want. Eventually you will realize that your energy tank is completely drained because you forget to fill it up by focusing on yourself. 

I always say that balance is the key to everything. You have to realize that you cannot pour from an empty cup. When you're drained, helping means making things worse; hence, endless drama and stress. 

On the other hand, your mind can trick you into believing that being a victim is so much better than being a persecutor or the "villains" of this whole thing. Again, you would be wrong. Being a victim is very toxic to your mental health and to those around you. It's the start of all these complications. Not being able to face the fact that you might be the reason for something that happened so you can get past it or blaming everyone else because you're too anxious to face your life problems is not the way to go. 

The good news is that there are techniques to break that horrid cycle and you just took the first step by being aware the triangle even exists. The next post will explore ways to escape all this unnecessary drama!

By: Amal Ghali